Mommy's Gone Mad

TMI Tuesday -Movie Edition

2009-01-28T19:55:00.000-06:00

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
Paul Blart, Mall Cop

2. What is your favorite movie theater snack?
Popcorn with m&m's in it ...

3. Have you ever snuck in 'outside' food into a theater?
Of course! I have four kids y'know!

4. Have you ever made out in a theater?
Um, no.

5. What is the 'farthest' you have gone in a theater?
That would probably be holding hands or sneaking a kiss ... I'm so vanilla lol

Lyrically Speaking ... 1/25/09

2009-01-28T19:54:00.000-06:00

mmhmm, my favorite ani difranco ...

They can call me crazy if I fail

All the chance that I need is one-in-a-million,

And they can call me brilliant if I succeed

Gravity is nothing to me,

I'm moving at the speed of sound

I'm just gonna to get my feet wet until I drown ...

Saturday Chit Chat

2009-01-19T21:08:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure I have anything of merit today, but I felt like writing. Life is moving along ... holding steady, which for me is always a good thing. I can foresee more changes but I hope they come slowly. All in all, I think they're good things. I am a constant mixture of happy & sad most of the time ... but that's part of this, isn't it? Mourning what is lost and hopeful about what is to come? Surely that can be considered normal even if I'm usually not! *she smiles*

I'm anxious for spring ... ready for the sun & flowers to appear again. And baseball. Can't. Wait. For. Baseball. Plus with warmer weather I have no more excuses for not walking or running! I also need a tan ... at least a light one. Ahh, and I get to go flying this year! My dear friend from high school, Clay, has promised to take me and I'm so holding him to it ;) Flying has always made me a bit nervous so I'm determined to get over that.

I guess I'm just glad to be enjoying each day. Hope everyone else is too ...

“Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” ~ Carl Jung

Our favorite day of the week ... Tuesday, with a little TMI ;)

2009-01-13T20:29:00.001-06:00

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?
A 9, considering the situation. lol

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?
To kiss them back, I would guess. ;)

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?
I'm not a big romantic. I enjoy thoughtful letters & texts tho, so maybe that ...

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?
A funeral home ... lol ... the guy I was dating lived & worked there. Has good shock value initially tho, doesn't it?

5. How do you liked to be kissed?
Frequently. :)

Positive Thinking ...

2009-01-13T20:28:00.001-06:00

I totally just jacked this from my girl JW's page ... it's so worth everyone reading. :)

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism,all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.— McCandless

Lyrically Speaking ...

2009-01-13T20:19:00.000-06:00

Lyrically Speaking ...

A little bit from The Fray on this Saturday morning ...

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T09:22:00.001-06:00

So, I contemplated doing a 'year in review' post for yesterday. I got about a third of the way into it and it was just far too depressing to go thru a second time so I trashed it. Instead, I think I'd rather talk about '09 ... first though, we really DO have to revisit '08, but just briefly.

Last year was a year of constantly shifting things for me ... particularly in the relationship department. The year started off well enough, rekindling a friendship I'd mourned for months over losing. I was glad it had returned even if it had changed form. By March though, the big changes to come were set in motion... brand new friends appeared, a few old friends disappeared, some relationships strengthened and some were strained. Fall brought nothing but more of the same, old friends returned but a marital separation soon ensued ... by December my life looked completely different than it had in January ...

I'm guess I'm looking at '09 as a rebuilding year of sorts. I'm not one for resolutions, per se, but there are definitely things I want to focus on. I really want to start running again. I keep saying it and I just can't seem to find the time to do it! Surely I can block out an hour three times a week. So first thing, that's what I need to fit in the schedule. And the schedule is what it is ... I just have to find a way to make it work.

I'm a week shy of the half way point in school. It's gone so fast, really. But the second half is rapidly approaching and in true Jennifer fashion, I'm sure I'll stumble upon something only I can stumble upon to create more stress for myself! I'm hopeful though that I'm wrong and the next 18 weeks will pass mostly uneventful and I shall escape with what is left of my sanity intact. :)

Mostly though, I want to stay positive and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning. I'm feeling a little battered from the emotional ups and downs of this past year so I'm looking for some calmness again. I want to enjoy this time with just me & the kids and reconnect with them ... stop worrying so much about everything else and let it happen as it will. I've focused for a long time on what I felt were short comings within myself so I'm working on changing my view of things ... my view of what I'm capable of accomplishing & what I'm looking for in others. I'm finding that I'm even more analytical than I thought I was and my preconceived notions of others are sometimes skewed ... as I'm sure there's are of me ... but I'm coping with that disappointment better and learning to forgive more, which is something I've struggled with my entire life ... we Virgos can hold quite the grudge! How truly sensitive I am is something I've come to realize that people don't quite understand about me.

So all in all I'm optimistic about the new year. I can see the good in all the bad of the past year now but I hope to see the good as it's happening this time and not when I look back this time next year ...

Have a Happy New Year, everyone ...

TMI Tuesday-Year End Edition

2008-12-30T09:34:00.001-06:00

1. Last week was "The Most Wonderful time of the Year", but what are your favorite 2008 memories?
Wow, well, I would have to say '08 has been a very trying year for me so ... maybe John Riley's birthday party. We (as in family & friends) were all together. Also, visiting with my brother was nice.

2. What is the best thing you learned in 2008?
I am capable of being positive. And handling a shit load of stuff I didn't think I could.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how good was your 2008?
A 2 ... and that's allowing for the fact that one day I'll look back & see what I learned. :)

4. What is your wish for 2009? What is your wish for someone else for 2009?
For me-peace with my decisions & that I can keep moving forward. For someone else ... hmm, I hope everyone around me finds what they need.

5. Where was the first place you ever passionately kissed?
Haha, probably on the steps outside my apartment ...

Bonus (as in optional):Do you make New Year's resolutions? What is/are your's for 2009?
More on this tomorrow ... ;)

Positive Thinking.

2008-12-30T09:03:00.000-06:00

Believe in Yourself.

It is so important to believe in yourself. Believe that you can do it, under any circumstances. Because if you believe you can, then you really will. That belief just keeps you searching for the answers, and then pretty soon you get it. ~Wally Amos

Is 2008 over yet?!

2008-12-26T14:18:00.000-06:00

So I'm thinkin' this could possibly go down as the worst Christmas ever for me. There was fighting, crying, ER visits, more crying, more fighting, presents, and uh ... a little more crying. I did most all the crying & the ER visit was mine, as well, so at least the kids are okay ...

I was not anticipating this. For things to be this emotional ... this ... hard. I used to think that I wanted to know when something was ending. When my dad died, it was such a shock that I couldn't help but think how much luckier those people were that had the chance to say goodbye. I don't think that anymore. I can see the end of this life coming closer each day and it might possibly be even harder. I take in every second, but it's tainted with thoughts of "this is the last time THIS will happen. " Everywhere I turn it's something new that will be the last as husband & wife. I try to say everything I need to say, do everything I want to do, but I can't manage to enjoy it because i know it will never be this way again. This was our last Christmas as a family unit. And it sucks balls. The end of 10 years will be put to rest in less than 30 days ... *sigh* ... even if it's the right thing, it's still an ass whoopin'.

I suppose you might be curious as to the ER visit ... I have developed a nice little (I hope) peptic ulcer. Have to go have the endoscopy done sometime next week. Most likely the stress of everything has caught up with me. I did get a 24hr. vacation thrown in this week thanks to the meds I was given at the ER, however. That was pleasant. I didn't cry for a while. And I took amazingly funny pictures of myself on the way home. :)

I hope everyone had a much better week than I did ...

Lyrically Speaking ...

2008-12-13T07:25:00.001-06:00

And you were on my side, even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes,
Staying back and watching me shine ...

A little nostalgia in the lyrics this morning ...

Hope everyone's having a good weekend!!

Our fav day of the week ... TMI Tuesday!!

2008-12-09T20:54:00.000-06:00

1. Do you consider sexy underthings a present for you or your partner?
Both ... what girl doesn't love sexy underthings??

2.
What are 3 characteristics of "your type"? Have you best
relationship(s) been with your type or when you have gone against it?
I don't think I really have a type.

3. What is on your Santa list this year?
Wax machine, a treadmill, & pjs of course!

4. Generally speaking, who has historically had a higher libido, you or your partner(s)?
I think it varies depending on the partner ... sometimes higher, sometimes lower.

5.
The unsculptured female bush seems to have passed from fashion. What
about men, do you think they need to trim and shave "down there"?
Um, YEAH!

Wordless Wednesday!

2008-12-04T00:14:00.003-06:00

Taken today on my drive home ... no reason as to why the person I was following couldnt do the speed limit at least. I nearly had an aneurysm ...

December 2, 2008

2008-12-04T00:13:00.000-06:00

It’s Tuesday Again ... how bout a little TMI?
Current mood: Antsy!

1. What are your turn-ons?
Being able to hold an intelligent conversation, sense of humor, the written word ... for a girl that doesn't read a lot of books a well written letter can get me weak kneed in a hurry ;), pride in ones appearance, confidence, nice hands ... An educated, well dressed, witty man does it for me every. time. *sigh*

2. What are your turn-offs?
Stupidity, rudeness, jealousy, those people that have been/seen/done everything mentioned in a conversation ... crooked teeth is another one ... not being sure of oneself ...

3. Not counting your turn-ons, what's the best trait a person can have?
Having a positive outlook.

4. Not counting your turn-offs, what's the worst trait a person can have?
Not speaking up for themselves.

5. What's your biggest pet peeve?
Hmm, right now people talking when I'm listening to music!

Bonus (as in optional):Describe your best and worst experience.
Best- Having my daughter. I love all my kids, but she really gave me a direction & focus ...

Worst- Growing up ... my mom was a bit mentally interesting ... her trying to jump out of a moving car when I was 11 kinda stuck with me. And then there was the time I was called to leave school to come stay with her cause her therapist thought she was suicidal ... I was 17 ... so yeah ... I grew up a little quickly.

Almost caught up ...

2008-12-04T00:10:00.000-06:00

November 29, 2008 - Saturday

Lyrically Speaking ...

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again ... You just might wave hello again.

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving ... I've thoroughly enjoyed my week off!

November 23, 2008 - Sunday

*Warning: Post contains a lot of estrogen. Read at your own risk!*
Current mood: Bitter

I have tried so very hard to release some of my negativity in the last 4-5 months. Many of you know me well and know I've struggled with that over the years as it's just my nature to be pessimistic & cynical. I've definitely changed a lot over the past few years and a lot of that change has been in the last few months for many reasons. But tonight, well, you're gonna get some of the bad stuff. I figure if I don't blog about it all I'm not using this blog correctly. It's not puppy dogs & rainbows all the time. No matter how much any of us want it to be. And trust me, now is one of those times I wish it was ...

I am so hurt today. This week. I find myself to be powerless over my feelings in this moment. I learned a long time ago that placing expectations on others only leads to your own hurt. Yet I do it anyway. We all do, I hope. Else I'll feel really stupid. And I did it recently with a relationship that now is ending. I would like to say that as I've aged I've learned to handle these things better. That, however, would be a lie. I suck at it. I suck at endings. I search for answers. Answers that don't come. Answers that people either don't have or don't wanna give me. I'm left feeling used and tossed aside. I involve myself so deeply in my relationships ... Something people don't always get about me. If I love you, I love you fiercely. I love you wholly. Friend or lover ... If you are good enough for me to let you in, I will give you all I am and I will love you completely. But I expect the same. And I don't always get that. In fact, more times than not, I don't get it.

I invest myself into something ... Into someone. And maybe these people are only supposed to stay for a short time, but I give so much that it drains me. Then in times like now, when it's done, I'm exhausted and empty and left wanting more from where there's nothing. I spend too much time retracing steps trying to see where it went awry ... I look for what I could've or should've done differently. I look and I wait and I ponder ... And I do it until I can't anymore. Until there's nothing left to ask. I am the master of beating a dead horse. I have to stomp something senseless to get over it. And then I get angry at myself for believing things, for believing in people that don't deserve it. That didn't deserve my love, trust, or loyalty. And I get angry for wasting more time on people that didn't deserve the first bit of time I gave them. I have at times thought this was a good quality that I care so much ... Lately I see it as one of my worst.

Times like tonight I don't want to believe the things I've found out are true. He wouldn't hurt me like that. He wouldn't do that to me ... We talked about this ... He knows how I feel ... What about all the time we spent together? Did it mean nothing? Was I that disposable to him? Was I just convenient? Somebody deserves an Oscar for their performance, in that case ... Somebody deserves a slap in the face for putting me in the position they did and then doing this to me ... Somebody is gonna know I'm talking about them when they read this ...

In that case, I hope that you figure out what it is you need to figure out 'cause my friend, I'm not the only one that's more fucked up than a bicycle, here. I hope you can live your life honorably and not just act like you are. I hope our friendship was worth it. I hope that someday I can look at you and it not hurt anymore ... I hope my entire cd collection doesn't have to be replaced cause I think of you every time I turn something on. I hope my kids understand why you're not around. I hope your kids know I already miss them so much I can't stand myself. I hope I can stop feeling like I need the word "fool" or "gullible" tattooed on my freakin' forehead ...

Yeah, I hope for a lot of things. You did teach me to always look for the good, so there is still hope. I hope you're sorry for hurting me ...

------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok I really can't leave this blog with gloom & doom ... on a good and unrelated note I found someone online this morning that I haven't talked to since the day we left high school and I'm ecstatic that I've had the opportunity to play catch up with them most of the day. Maybe they'll appreciate me and all my quirkiness. :)

And another!

2008-12-04T00:01:00.003-06:00

November 19, 2008 - Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday!

Somebody loves Build-a-Bear & argyle sweaters ...

And more ...

2008-12-03T23:59:00.001-06:00

November 17, 2008 - Monday

Need something positive? Me too!

It's been a crazy couple of weeks here lately. I've been dealing with panic attacks & trying to get a hold of myself. I was really not keen on talking about all this but I know that this is way more common than anyone wants to admit and it makes us all feel way crazier than we really are, so ... might as well just throw it out there! I haven't been to school for a week & a half but plan on trying to go tomorrow. Part of me really wanted to say "I give! I really can't do this all!!", and I seriously contemplated it. It's been really hard to try to juggle my schooling with what all four of the kids need all by myself, but I don't think I would be happy with myself a few months from now if I didn't try just a little harder. After all, I'm nearly half way done already! Lucky for me, everyone from school has been very encouraging and really wanting to work with me to help me thru this hard time. John has also been wonderful & supportive and well ... you just never know how things may end up. :)

So anyway, if you will, send me some positive thoughts my way tomorrow as I will need them I'm sure to try to get back in the swing of things. And I shall leave you with a couple of quotes ... enjoy!

Brand New Ending
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Marcus Aurelius

I Am Home
I have arrived. I am home. My destination is in each step. ~Thich Nath Hanh

November 4, 2008 - Tuesday

Stand or Fly

When you have come to the edge of all the light you have and step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of the two will happen to you: either you'll find something solid to stand on or you'll be taught how to fly. ~ Richard Bach

Another Tuesday is here ...
Current mood: bouncy

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?

Yes, I got one speeding ticket when I was 16. As for accidents, I was rear-ended when I was 17 (not my fault), I backed into a parked car about a year & a half ago (totally my fault), & I was hit head on while sitting at a stop sign last November (again, not my fault).

2. Have you ever voted? How old were you the first time you voted?

Yes. I was 18 the first time.

3. Are you glad this election cycle is over?

Yes, in a way. I'm extremely excited about hearing the results tonight!

4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)?

Hmm, my guilty pleasure would probably reality tv shows & explicit rap music. The tv shows because of the drama & the music because its supposed to be so demeaning to women. Eh, whatever. lol

5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently?

I answered my own question outloud in the grocery store.

Bonus: How much impact has the Wall Street and general economic wilt had on you?

Somewhat. Probably mostly concerning John's job.

A few more ...

2008-12-03T22:47:00.002-06:00

October 23, 2008 - Thursday

Embrace the New

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
~Alan Cohen

October 22, 2008 - Wednesday

It’s kinda nice ...

I thought since I had a little time I would update those interested on how things are going with me. I can honestly say ... I'm good. The past few months have been rather random & crazy at times ... I've cried more in that time than maybe in the past three years but I'm also happier than I've been in such a long time. School is awesome. Of course some days still suck ass ... especially when I don't feel like making that drive but, school itself is great. I have a fabulously smart instructor & the greatest group of girls ever to spend my day with. I really feel this is where I'm meant to be at this point ... some uncanny happenings have helped me see that.

On the home front, John & I are proceeding with the divorce. But even with that, we're getting along great ... maybe better than we have in years. I think this too, although hard at times, is a positive step for us. We're still amazing friends & want so much for each other to do well on our own pursuits. I'm blessed that it can be this way. That's the only way I know how to put that.

I've got a fabulous group of people supporting me right now & I have no idea what I'd do without them. I hope they know how much I love them all! I've learned a lot about the people in my life in the last few months. I'm sad about the loss of a friendship that I've had for years but have since found out that that person wasn't really my friend at all. Not the way I want my friends to be anyway. At the same time, some people that I didn't expect to step up, especially cause we've had our differences in the past, have done exactly that. So I've definitely been humbled a bit. Others, well, we've just gotten closer and I feel so fortunate I've been given the opportunity to get to know them better. Of course, the friends I've always been able to count on are still there, seeing me thru.

I hate that I don't get time for everyone anymore but there's only so many hours in the day, so bear with me ... I'll check on you, I promise! I can't even seem to blog about all that I want to say! lol

Anyway, life is good. Even on shitty days. I think that sums it up nicely.

Today’s positive thought ...

Our Finest Moments

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

~ M. Scott Peck

October 21, 2008 - Tuesday

Time for TMI Tuesday!

1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
Well, never ashamed ... stupid maybe, lol. There was this one time I felt guilty though.

2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
Nope.

3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking? Often & without thinking, lol. I have a four year old & I will answer him sometimes with whatever will answer his question the fastest. Beyond that, it would have to be for a good reason.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism? If its obviously constructive then I'd say I'm a 9. If it's said harshly, maybe a 4.

5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
You're gonna have to wonder about this one. lol.

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
I'd say about 45% of women & 75%-80-% of men. It's all too easy to get attached.

Lyrically Speaking ...

Part of a tune I find applicable to my life and the inner workings of it ... Enjoy! Life is good.

I will go in this way,
Oh, and I'll find my own way out.
I won't tell you what to be,
Oh,no, but I'm coming to much more ... Me ...

Because I forgot to post them here too ...

2008-12-03T17:00:00.009-06:00

October 7, 2008 - Tuesday

TMI Tuesday - The Seven Virtues

1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence? In thought and action dealing with people with whom you have to have a continuing relationship. Or maybe with money.

When is it acceptable to throw practicality out the window?
Hmm, I don't know that its ever truly acceptable ... I'm certainly guilty of it.

2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? I think it can be either, depending on what side of a situation you're on.

What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today? I personally think the greatest injustice could be the sense of fear we all have instilled in us due to the increased awareness of how crazy some people can be. Can't let your kids out of your sight and all that ...

3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? Absolutely! Everyone needs a treat now and then.

How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires? Not well ... :)

4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Fear and uncertainty are always a challenge for me. I am not, however, easily intimidated.

Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things? Sometimes, yes. We all fight a different battle.

5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? In something, yes.

How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Very, as I would think most people are.

Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something? Yes, but sometimes that's only faith in my own ability.

6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? Yes. It helps to be able to focus when you're in a bad situation.

How good are you at finding the good in the bad? I'm actually not very good at this. I'm cynical by nature and need positive people around me to help balance me out.

What is the thing you hope for most? I hope that I leave my kids with a good sense of self. And that they know they were always my main concern.

7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? It can be hard, depending on who it's toward. I don't like feeling taken advantage of.

How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? Can be difficult as well. I don't like needing people to do things for me even when they don't mind.

October 1, 2008 - Wednesday

Lyrically speaking ...

I think Jent had a good idea with posting song lyrics that sum up a moment ... Just gonna post a verse today that fits my thoughts nicely. Interpret as you will ...

Going where the wind don't blow so strange, maybe off on some high cold mountain range
Lost one round but the price wasn't anything, knife in the back and more of the same ...
Same old rat in a drain ditch, caught on a limb
You know better, but I know him ...

September 18, 2008 - Thursday

Updates!

So um, how much have I sucked at this lately??

I started back to school a couple weeks ago and am trying to get our schedule adjusted so I haven't had a lot of time for blogging. Also, I might as well make a formal announcement ... John & I have decided to get a divorce. He's still working out of town so it's just been me & the kids for the past few weeks with little help so I'm basically covered up trying to manage all the changes going on. Don't worry though, we're all gonna be just fine and everyone is dealing with it well, considering. John & I are probably having a harder time than anyone but y'know, it's sometimes difficult to throw in the towel once and for all. We know how hard we've tried tho and so I feel good about things for the most part. It wasn't a decision easily made. But on to more positive things for us both!

I hate that I've not had time to do TMI Tuesday or any updates until now but hopefully things will get back to a more normal pace soon ... Thanks for all the messages asking about me and thank you for all the birthday wishes as well. I didn't get time to say that to you each individually!

August 26, 2008 - When you wish upon a star ... TMI Tuesday!

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.

What is the one thing you would change about your body?
I'd love to be a little taller.

What is the one personality trait you would change?
I would be less cynical.

What is the one thing about your job you would change?
Well, since being a mom is my job at the moment ... I'd like a day off.

What is the one thing about your home you would change?
Would love to finish all the little projects we've started.

What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
His ability to understand me.

Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
Don't think there is anyone. I'm usually good about getting rid of people if they need to go.

Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
Not anyone here either. Everyone that I care about is still in my life even if its not in the way I would like ...

August 19, 2008 - Tuesday

What day is it?? TMI Tuesday, of course!

1. Are you truly politically correct? Be honest.
I don't ever intentionally offend anyone but sometimes it happens.

2. Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?
Not really into going to jail for indecent exposure. lol

3. Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)?
Again with the jail thing. Orange isn't my best color.

4. Do you ever not have good table manners?
Oh I can forget them all over a good steak but usually you don't have to worry about taking me anywhere.

5. Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe.
No. I'm just not the exhibitionist type ... my paranoia would flare up.

Skipping the bonus question this week! :)

August 12, 2008 - Tuesday

Happy TMI Tuesday!

1. What is your favorite song to have sex to?
Um, the soundtrack to the movie Rush is very nice.

2. What is your vision of hell?
Being forced to write thank you notes while listening to gospel or Roy Clark music ... seriously.

3. In the film made of your life, who will play you?
Patricia Heaton ... or someone that can do bitchy very well.

4. What is the one thing you most urgently need to tell your mom?
Hmm, not sure that its urgent but something I would like to tell her and have her do is to stop being so selfish & flighty. Take better care of yourself. And thank you for teaching me to always speak my mind.

5. What will be carved onto your tombstone?
No regrets.

And the bonus: What is your drag name (which would be, first name: the name of your first pet; last name: the name of the street you grew up on)?
Trixie Dykeman. Honestly. I couldn't have made that shit up.

When Dad is away at work ...

2008-08-25T06:43:00.003-05:00

... someone else has to take care of these things for him at home.

Tiny insisted on fixing the nails on the deck for me. Ahh, the joys of having so many boys around to help out their Mama.

August 23, 1992 - August 23, 20008

2008-08-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

You've missed an awful lot...

Mom is more like Granny than ever ... down to buying snack cakes and swearing they're for the kids. I don't know what to do with her anymore. Jose does his best to keep up with her but well, no one knows what a task that is any better than you do. I see Aunt Debbie & her girls every once in a while but they have their own bullshit going on all the time, so it's usually a brief and strange conversation. Of course Dean is still around ... he misses you about as much as I do. I suppose he & I are the only connection we have left to you. He feels more like family than the others. And, Brother is better than he has been in years. I think you probably knew that already though.

I hate that you've missed this time with the kids. I know you hate it, too. But then you probably hated not being able to see Norma & Brian, as well. Its sad that none of them got to know you. Mack is too much like me & mom ... which I'm sure makes you proud and scares you shitless all at the same time. Most days thats how I feel about it anyway. She's a bright, pretty, strong, & sassy young lady. Tiny takes after his father & uncle which brings along its own set of issues. He's the thinker and could probably teach us all something. Literally. Monkey is you made over. He makes me miss you more because I know you would've enjoyed him the most. And he needs that so its fallen on me to give it. He's the child that alternately breaks my heart & then teaches me something on a regular basis and probably brings out my protective nature the most. Tater is just joy incarnate. He wakes up & goes to bed smiling ... nothing gets him down for long. I wish I could be that bouncy sometimes ... ok not really, I like being serious, but watching him is certainly fun ...

As for me, well I'm okay. For the first time in a long time, I'm really okay. Last year was hard in many ways but I've learned a lot, healed a lot, and am much better. So much so that I can write to you without any sorrow and only a genuine desire to talk to you ... to let you know I'm thinking about you today.

Yes, you've missed an awful lot ... but maybe you've been watching all along ...

I hope wherever you are, you're at peace ... and that there's beer. Love you, Daddy.

People

2007-12-07T20:13:00.001-06:00

I ran across quite this some time ago. Someone somewhere linked me to it and I have been fascinated with the Enneagram every since. I'm a 5. Here are the descriptions after you take the test ... and those that know me well will know how accurate that is of me. In fact, go read that first and then go take the test. Then let me know what number you are ...

"Human" by Jon McLaughlin

Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
I can't seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs they
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride

After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurt, instead of healing
After all, we're only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving?
After all ...

How can I tell the holidays are upon us??

2007-11-28T17:48:00.000-06:00

I'm at home nearly every weekday night! Woohoo! No one has practice for ANYTHING. The rush of fall sports is over. And I get to enjoy this for approximately 3.5 mins. Basketball starts Saturday. *groan*

In all seriousness though, I love it. I love for the kids to have something to keep them occupied and the life lessons that I feel they get from playing sports. And of course I enjoy getting to watch them play. My own mother, bless her heart, was never much on keeping us committed to things and had trouble teaching that whole "playing well with others" thing. I suffered as a result of it and have felt sports was the best way to accomplish that with my kids. So I know lots of people don't get why my kids stay so active, but the aforementioned has a huge lot to do with it.

This leads me to doing a whole lot of nothing, however, in my new found free time. I'm in the last couple weeks of the class I'm taking and that is going well. But mostly I've just been dealing with life. For those that don't know, last month one of my boys got lost from us at a football game -I mean, seriously, "where the fuck is he?!" kind of lost. Get the cops and shut the place down kind of lost.- where I spent half an hour alternating between having chest pains and trying not to throw up until they found him. He had gotten separated from us on the way out and when he didn't see us, he ran to the car leaving us behind. All ended well that night but I needed several drinks to calm myself.

That all happened on a Friday. The following Monday, some stupid mofo hits me head on as I'm on my way to meet Brandy & Lo for lunch. There I was at a stop sign, STOPPED, and he turns onto this street on MY side of the road. My van was totaled. More chest pains and nausea to follow that. And as if that wasn't enough to make me want to throw myself in traffic, on Big John's birthday (11/13) our house catches on fire. Well, the laundry room. Either way, it was a big enough fire to smoke damage most of my house and make me have to drag the kids outta of bed in their skivvys to get the hell out. So we've had the lovely task of remodeling and not having a washer & dryer. I'll be nice and save the "Adventures of Going to the Laundromat" stories for another time.

Orphan Thanksgiving went fine. B made a marvelous ham & sweet potato casserole that she brought over. I did the turkey & dressing and desserts ... everyone has to try pumpkin cheesecake at least once. I think it's our new favorite.

Lastly, I think for the first time in um, yeah, EVER ... I'm almost finished shopping before December is even here. I'm almost excited. I'm a bit forlorn about not having that rush right before xmas though ... I think I'm gonna have to save a couple gifts to be bought late. It's just wrong to be done so soon. What am I supposed to do for all of December if I don't shop, pray tell?!

Birthday Recap.

2007-09-10T09:27:00.001-05:00

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes. Got some unexpected ones and that was nice. (Brandymae with the card - Thanks so much!! You rock!) Overall though, it was fairly uneventful. I felt bad, and had a day full of ballgames, so no real celebrating. Except for B bringing us ice cream which was so very thoughtful. I heart her.

Not much else going on that I feel like talking about. (Unless anyone out there would like to explain the thought process of men to me, in which feel free to comment!) Just really wanted to say thanks.

Let's hear it for fiascos ... And random questions!

2007-09-05T20:51:00.001-05:00

Greetings! We survived the visit and it's back to business as usual around here. No, I have no pictures to post. You see I can't exactly do anything smoothly. SOMETHING has to fall apart somewhere or it just wouldn't be how I roll. So in true Jen fashion, Big John trying to fly home and surprise the poor chirrens was an ... ordeal, shall we say. It began when, unbeknownst to me, he was supposed to have arrived 75 mins. prior to departure. Um, yeah. He wasn't there. No one told me he should be there. It wasn't on the confirmation email and since I fly so often (hahahahaha) I guess they thought I would know that. I didn't. So one non-refundable ticket & an additional $400 later, he got to fly home. Only I had to drive an hour one way to pick him up at 10:45 PM. On a school night. WITH our four offspring. The ones who had no idea their Daddy was coming home until I caved and told them under the pressure of the freaking out whilst driving in the late evening the opposite direction of home in the first rainstorm we've even heard in months? Yeah. But, beyond being completely broke from airline tickets we had a nice visit.

I'll do another entry over some other stuff later on but for now I wanna get to these 5 questions sent to me by Soccer Dad ...

1) Which TV family would you best fit in with and why?
Oh gosh. Maybe the Keatons, from Family Ties?? Sibling wise, I think that's closest. My brother and Alex had
similar personalities. Frightening, no?

2) Do you have someone you miss more than anyone else
in life?
Yes. My dad, of course. Missing someone else right now a little too much as well.  sigh.

3) What part of your body can someone touch and make
you melt?
I think it's a combination of things ... the right feeling has to be there, but hands under my shirt on the small
of my back is a lovely place to start.

4) Is there intelligent life on other planets? What
about Canada?
Doubtful. Anywhere, it seems.

5) Bath or Shower?
Highly depends on my mood.

Now, if you would like to play!
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” (and your email addy)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

I got nothing.

2007-08-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

Well since I can't actually blog about all the goings on in my life without telling more than I should, I suppose I'm left to the idle chit chat.

Volleyball ... Mack is doing well. She has a couple games this week I have to attend. Well not have to, but y'know what I mean. Even if it is painful to watch, I'll be there. Do people regularly try to watch volleyball? It doesn't seem to be a big spectator sport. Maybe I'm just used to more action, I dunno. The girl seems to like it though so I don't want to discourage her. I'll just be happy when she recovers from the softball burn out we've had going.

I've already said all that can be said about the boys and football so maybe we'll just discuss the start of soccer season. Tater is playing for the first time and yours truly got the lucky gig of coaching. Yeah, I don't say no often enough. And it's not that I mind coaching really, I've always enjoyed it. It's just that with all that has gone on in my personal life, going back there is harder than I thought it would be. I'm overwhelmed with having the hubby in another state. Actually doing my job as V.P. of the league, and then the stuff I can't really talk about.

Some days are just better than others I guess. A big dose of memory loss would be nice today.

The Mean Mama & Good Music ...

2007-08-27T08:18:00.001-05:00

The plan is for Big John to fly home Wednesday night. The kids, however, think he's coming home Friday. Here is where I should probably mention the fondness we have for tricking our children. I have a feeling this will be one they'll remember, what with all the issues we've had since his departure for the Midwest. Heehee, the Midwest. I've never actually been to the "Midwest" but I do love saying it. My own version of Tater's new obsession with the word "Albequerque". He loves it. (Then again, maybe I shouldn't use him as a comparision given that he also walks around singing "Bow chicka wow wow!") So I'm gonna take the kids to have dinner with their Nana Wednesday night, excusing myself to go shop or whatever, and return with their dad. Gonna let him decide on his entrance but I'm sure it'll be great.

This reminds me of the time a few years ago wherein the fair was in town. Ok, I hate fairs. I know, I know ... I'm trying to do better. So the fair is in town, children are pestering us to go. (Anyone wanna do the math real quick on how much it costs to take 6 people to a fair?? Naah, me either. Nightmares.) Big John & I secretly decide to take the kids. Only it would be far too easy to just tell them that. We, instead, tell them to get ready to go somewhere but not until we get in the car do we give any clues as to where. We break out with, "Daddy & I are taking you to a friend's house so we can go to dinner." We happen to be driving in the opposite direction of anyone's house they've ever stayed at and the oldest one is noticing and becoming panicked about where we're taking them. So John gives this huge story about some guy he met at work named Art and that Art & his wife have offered to watch them while we go have dinner, a rarity at best. Y'know, because I regularly leave my kids with random people to get five minutes with my husband. Not a bad idea now that I type that out ... anyway, we get closer to the fairgrounds and start making comments about the traffic and how now it's gonna take us forever to get to Art's house. Oldest child is getting crazy about staying with people she doesn't know. So John just stops suddenly amidst the traffic and looks over at me and says, " Just wanna go to the fair?" and I'm like "Sure, we're here, why not?" Kids of course are excited as can be but to this day don't ask Mack if she wants to go to Art's house! :)

On a completely unrelated note, I picked up a new CD Friday ... "Call Me Irresponsible" by Michael Buble. I heart him. Go by one of his CDs ... you won't be disappointed.

15 Years Ago

2007-08-23T08:40:00.001-05:00

So here it is ... the day I've waited on for a very long time. I remember sometime in the months following his death having the realization that I would most likely, unless I suffered an untimely demise as well, live more years here without him than I would have with him. What would that be like? Who would I be then? Yet, here it is. And here I am. 15 years later. So what IS it like? In some ways it's as though time stopped. In others, it feels like the first 15 years wasn't there to begin with. That it's always been the way it is now. Y'know, last year, I did a post on my blog remembering him. All the things he loved. This year maybe I'll talk about me ...

You can sure change a lot in 15 years. I have certainly learned that there are many ways to cope with a tragedy. Shutting down, acting out, sometimes both ... for me, a lot of things started to shut down. The very minute I heard the news I immediately had flashes of all the things I would face without him. I think that day so many of the things he loved and we loved to do together died with him. Things that were too painful to face. Some of the very things that I posted last year that I remember about him are things I've avoided for 15 years. They were him and he is gone, so they must be gone too.

I have learned that grieving can take a long ass time. And that some things are always gonna be there no matter what you do. In the past year, I've had a lot of issues come my way and as I dealt with them I found myself letting go of a lot of things I didn't even know I was holding onto. When I originally had that whole 15 year realization, I went into a panic. And every single year that panic returned because I was one year closer. (Ok, I never said I actually made any sense whatsoever.) But this year is a little different. The whole damn year has been crazy so far, really. That's not the point though. :) The point is that with all that has happened, I have managed to see what I've kept from myself. I enjoyed a Spring for the first time in 15 years. And I cooked hamburger helper lasagna for the first time in 15 years. And I really truly hope that now that this date that has hung in the balance is here and will pass, I can finally put all the sadness over it away. As much as I miss him I don't think that the way I've coped without him is the way he'd want me to. So I'm gonna try to do some things different from here on out.

And now the story that really got me to thinking about writing this post. I was reading over at Mir's this morning and all the talk about schools, reading, and kids made me think of something my dad did for me a gazillion years ago. I was probably 6 at the time and back then I did like to read. We lived next to the public library and my older brother would often walk me over to check out books. So we had gone to the library to get a book and the librarian wouldn't let me check this particular book out saying it was above my reading level. Now, at this point I'd been reading for around 2 years on my own and although my parents weren't avid readers, they were always great about making sure I had access to books. So when we got home I told my parents what had happened. My dad takes me back to the library and not so nicely informs the librarian of my reading ability and that she's not to ever stop me from getting a book that I want.

What makes that story important to me is that my dad probably couldn't have read that book himself without struggling thru every page. He'd had to quit school in 8th grade to go to work and that was the end of his education. But, he'd do whatever he could to make sure I had what I wanted and that is the perfect example of the kind of parent he was. :)

Yoohoo ...

2007-08-15T18:34:00.000-05:00

Only took me how long to get back and update?? Ok, so back in April I deleted my posts here. Things were just way crazy at that time. Still kinda are. I dunno. I'm having a moment I think. A moment that is taking way too damn long to get over. At some point I may delve into the details but I just don't have it in me currently.

As for now, I'm staying busy with the kids. Volleyball, football, soccer ... the usual stuff. Mack made the volleyball team at her school this year so that's a new thing for us. Big John is working in another town for now so it's extremely taxing to get everyone everywhere they're supposed to be, but we're managing. Now that we're past all the meltdowns, that is. We've also acquired a dog. I know, I have to be certifiably crazy to agree to taking care of one more living thing. I don't normally even do house plants for that reason alone. Lucky for me, Monkey Boy does 98% of the work involved with him so I'm good with it.

Now maybe I can get back to posting regularly ... since the distraction is gone ...

It's been a while!

2007-07-11T10:10:00.000-05:00

I suck at this. I've been on hiatus but am back. Tons of shitastic changes happening ... will post more soon!